Monday, December 26, 2011

running, pain and gratitude

Yesterday, I ran three miles by myself. I have never done that before. I usually run three times a week with a friend of mine. We started this running program a few months ago called, "Couch to 5k." We missed one of our running dates, and I felt like I really needed some exercise, so I set out on my own.

As I ran, I started experiencing these cycling thoughts: 

I can't do this.
I'm not strong enough.
This hurts.
I want to stop. 
I'm not strong enough.
This hurts.
I can't do this.I don't want this.
I can't do this.

My running partner wasn't there to distract me; she wasn't there to tell me to keep going when I would say it was too hard. I kept running because I said to myself, "If I don't do this, then how am I going to get through anything else? How am I going to get through my darkness, my pain?" I told myself I had to do it to prove that I am strong enough. I kept pushing through it. After I had run for about twenty minutes, I went into this strange, disconnected state. I was just running, and I wasn't even sure why anymore. I wasn't feeding myself negative thoughts anymore. I was just running even though it hurt.

I realized that this experience is so incredibly analogous for my life. I feed myself those negative thoughts every time pain comes up in my life, but somehow I manage to push through it. I choose which thoughts to tell myself about the situation. I choose whether to push the pain away, and say, "I don't want this," or accept it, and find gratitude in my life.


I have been facing a lot of my own darkness lately. I have been telling myself that I am not strong enough. I have been telling myself the exact same thoughts that I told myself when I was running yesterday! But, the run, it was so hard, and I proved myself wrong. I am strong enough. Yesterday, Christmas, was rough. I'd like to not go into a lot of detail about my personal life, but I will say that I have been facing some challenges. I focused so much on the negative aspects of my day, and then I brought them to Joshua. He then asked me "what happened today that you are grateful for?" I told him one thing, and then another, and then I realized that there is a long list of things I am grateful for, but I have been setting them aside, and choosing to look at the things in my life that are difficult.

I seem to be grateful, mostly, for the little things. The sunset, a hawk flying over, pulling up carrots in the garden, the crunching of leaves on the ground, friendship...

and the list goes on.

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