change...

So much has happened. Twin Oaks has become my home. Home. But maybe this feeling is temporary? I'm not sure. A couple weeks ago I was feeling unsure about wanting to be here, but now I am starting to settle in. Yes, there was an earthquake, and most of the scariness has passed for now. I am almost over it.

I have been taking joy in little things. Mostly plants, and animals, and watching the sun rise and set. Castor oil beans are beautiful, and watermelon and squash are delicious. Taking care of chickens has been very fulfilling.

I woke up before the sun was up yesterday, and I watched the sky change from blue and pink rivets to completely pink in five minutes. I looked away for a minute and the sky changed.

Things change so quickly. I will feel overcome with sadness at one moment, and then completely happy and content at some other moment. Some of it has to do with my changing relationship with Shua (Joshua is now Shua) lately, but I notice that I can see my perception and emotions changing, if if ever so slightly, from moment to moment.

Speaking to others has been difficult for me lately. Sometimes I hate speaking. I fear expectation in the other person for me to create a connection through words with them. I fear saying something weird, that doesn't make sense, and I see myself doing that a lot, and for some reason it bothers me. I am trying to be more okay with how I communicate.

I have been working about 45 hours and week, mostly agricultural, and it's been taking a toll on my back. But I love the work, and I love working outside. I tried to receive a massage from someone yesterday, me sitting cross legged, and it was hard for me to enjoy it because my back started aching.

I joined a transparency group. For the past month or so, once a week, I meet with a group of people, and we focus on opening up to each other, connecting, being transparent. We start with check-ins, and we ask each other questions, and listen to each other's pain and joy. Last night someone asked me a question that brought up a lot of pain in me, and I cried for the first time during the group. I received many hugs afterward, and felt connected and supported by everyone. I feel really, really appreciative of this group, and all these people, who I barely knew at all, and now I feel so much closer to.

The group helps me see other people outside of the group in a different light. I can see that everyone is so human. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone feels sad sometimes, or insecure, or overwhelmed.

I'm not sure how to end this, but I feel like I have come to a stopping point in how much I wanted to write.

I'm off to eat breakfast, and start my day. Thanks for reading.